� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
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I felt really bad that this year fell by the wayside, but a storm as fierce as the ones we had really limits what you can and cannot do. I guess the Lord is really making up for past piddly winters in this one.
Now that's done I can concentrate on building my design site. Even though I'm excited and am going to go through with this venture, I'm worried nobody will use them. I'm still learning html and what will do what and am a novice compared to those who design for online blogs and diaries. But I think my modest skill is good and can pass inspection. At least, I hope it can. I'll find out soon, I guess, and the real clue will be if I start earning some money from this. *shrugs*
Is there somebody in your life, past or present, that you have something to say to, but you never got the nerve to bring it up? A secret love? An apology? Or maybe you hold some resentment or secrets that you wish you could share with them. Maybe there's something more, or different you'd like to add to the letter, if you participated in this topic before?
Hmmm, quite a mouthful huh? I've written several entries with such a theme throughout the course of this journal, as the poor souls who've stuck with me can attest to. Most recently about Jason, though there have been times when it has been Stephen and Evan.
In fact, the more I sit here and think on it, the more I'm seeing this P-O-Y topic in a theraputic light. Besides those three, there is at least one or two more I'd like to add to this list, Kerensa (a definite) and Charles (a maybe).
But first, Jason. (After this purging I will strive to leave them all in the past, where they've obviously put me and never bring this type of subject up about them again.) Jason was a good friend while we were all at ISU--Kjerstina, he and I. In fact, I could've been a much better friend, especially when he was on his mission. I regret deeply I wasn't; I was too obsessed with the new wonder technology had made available to me--the Internet. But after his mission I tried to rectify my selfish mistake and re-establish our friendship.
He showed some interest in zee beginning when I contacted him and tried to get with him whenever he was up from Utah. But with each time he got more distant and when we did hang out that one time he was not very animated or lively or even talkative. I could tell he wasn't very happy with life at that point, but I didn't know how to broach that topic. That was the last time I saw him or had personal contact with him. Afterwards it was like he chose to forget me and was content to let our friendship remain in the past.
If I had the chance to see Jason face-to-face one last time and be totally honest, I would apologize for being a poor friend just before his mission and tell him I would like to renew our friendship. I would also ask why he shut me out when I was trying to renew it when I found out he was home. If he still didn't want anything to do with me then I'd have to accept that. But I'd what to find out why.
Second, Stephen. I believe this and this says it all.
Third, Evan. *short wry chuckle* This guy was a piece of work. There were sparks between us online, but he would walk away any time he turned the heat up on the romance. (And this is one reason I don't do online romances anymore.) The reason? He couldn't deal with the fact I have C.P. and am in a wheelchair. It bothers me that I let him do it to me 14 times before he disappeared from my sphere of cyberspace for good. By all fairness and my sense of justice, I should have been the one to make a great goodbye speech and grand exit. And if I ever had the chance I'd make 'em. I'd tell him he was missing out on a good friendship because he was too afraid to broaden his horizons (literally he was afraid to take any risks that weren't a sure bet). I'd been a great friend to him and understanding, not to mention loyal and forgiving. I even became the fool for him in that I kept taking him back after the fifth bloomin' time! But no more, it would be my turn to walk (or drive) away from him. And I wouldn't be coming back. He could just stick his ostrich's head in the sand.
Fourth, Kerensa. Kerensa was a girl in my college ward at ISU, and we hit it off immediately. In fact, it felt like we'd known each other all our lives. So I thought we'd be friends for quite a while. I was even asked to be a bridesmaid. But it came to quite the sudden end. A week before she'd been at my apartment in tears because she was frustrated with her fiance, Ryan, and arguments they'd been having more frequently. Then one Friday after, another girl in the ward saw a girl who looked similar to Kerensa at the weekly Institute dance--without a ring on her finger and dancing quite close to other guys. Of course, she came over to my place and shared her supposition. Concerned about my friend, I called Kerensa to see how her Friday had been.
She'd been with her fiance all evening up on Scout Mountain at a ward function. As I shared mostly everything with my care provider, Sam, I relayed the lil soap opera Dana had tried to start to her. And while I was at school she went to the mall. Ryan used to work at Zales, and Sam loves diamond rings. So she was there at Zales and made the mistake of asking his ex-boss how the two lovebirds were doing...if they were still together. He obviously asked around because the next evening I received a very angry phone call from Kerensa who basically ended the friendship. Sam called back and tried explaining to Ryan--Kerensa refused to come to zee telephone--that it was her fault and tried to apologize. But Kerensa was having none of it. I was not her bridesmaid, nor did I receive an annoucement.
I would tell Kerensa that it was not my fault, that Sam did try to apologize and she should knock that chip off her shoulder...
And Charles... He can stay in the past.
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moon phase |
