� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
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This Christmas season has been strange thus far. Things have been done differently and are...different. The Christmasization of the house has taken a week, where usually, in a fervor of wanting to get it done and up, it takes only three days. This time illness, busy schedules and side tracking has lengthened the decorating process.
What's also different is not everybody's stocking is up. Michael won't be here for Christmas this year, so his stocking won't be hung. And Dad has everybody's up but mine. He found it the other day in a box, so I dunno why he hasn't bothered to hang it up. It's just Mom, his, Kami, Aubree and Jon's up there. And I know I'm making a big hoohaw over this, but it feels like I'm not a part of this Christmas every time I see only their stockings up. It's like I'm in Cinderella's position: a part of the family yet not important enough to be included in family traditions. Every time I've asked after it--which has been four times at the most, maybe even five--Mom or Kami or Dad have acted as if I've asked for it a 100,000 times in the last week. So I quit asking and will now wait to see how long it takes for them to notice it's still not up. It will be almost amusing--almost--to see if we make it to Christmas Eve before they even realize I'm not hung alongside the others. It's really a small thing, yes, but to me, it's tradition. And at Christmastime, tradition is especially important. I'm not trying to focus on the material things of Christmas, really I'm not. I know what Christmas is and I've felt the spirit. As I just said, it's about tradition and tradition is about family. And I know a stocking is a piddly thing to be hurt over even in the slightest degree, but...it feels like I'm not truly a part of this family's Christmas. To some degree.
Another difference is I'm broke. I don't have any money for gifts. None. Not even for my bills. I can pay one outta four bills. I'm waiting for it to come through. I could pay a second bill, but that'll leave me with .40 cents in my account. For the entire month. After next month I will have one less bill, but that sure doesn't help me now. I hate leaving these bills hanging but...I had two unexpected expenses this month. For right now my plan is to let the bill that automatically comes out of my checking account come and then buy Christmas cards at zee dollar store for my family and a few friends. That's all I can afford. I wish I could pay bills off, buy gifts and perhaps buy Egee a stocking and some stuffers for it. But I can't.
And lastly, I haven't been doing a Christmas entry every day like I have the past two years. It feels strange not to be doing it, even though it's been done for only two years. It feels like I'm short-changing myself on a tradition. But I plan on doing 12 Days of Christmas during the actual 12 Days of Christmas. So maybe that'll negate this feeling? I dunno...
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