� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
�
I wish I had the lightness of spirit I had yesterday. But I don't. My head feels weighted, though I don't have a headache--yet. My shoulders and the rest of me are tense. I guess it's the stuff I have on my mind. Yes, the same stuff I've talked of before.
I checked my email last night because I wanted to send my stamp to Dland-Stamps before updating. There, waiting for me, was an email from Lynda. It was already my turn to write her as it was, but she'd decided to write me again. She figured I've been busy with school as has her boyfriend been.
Her deduction is partly right, school and papers and the project have taken up some of my attention. But still, there were times after reading her email when I could have clicked on "Reply" and didn't. There's no excuse for me letting her email sit unanswered in my Inbox. Lynda, I'm so sorry. As I told you in the email I finally sent, I have no reason or excuse. I let myself be caught up in my own lil world, wondering what to do after graduation, where I will go. I have soo much to consider: my disability, what I can and cannot do, Egypt, my cat, how much I'll be able to pay in rent, and if I can even find a job around here...or if I do go to Boise, there.
I need peace of mind. I need to be a better friend. I need to prioritize my life. I need to get out of my comfort zone; I think I am too comfortably entrenched within it. I need to be happy with myself before I can ever hope to have a relationship. Ok, I will stop with the Needs before they get too outta hand. =os
Perhaps I am being overly dramatic here, and stewing over this needlessly, but from past experience, when it gets down to the wire, people have expected me to know what I will be doing in the upcoming phase in my life. After high school it was college--but what college? At the time I really didn't know if I wanted to go to college. People were saying it was harder than high school--which it is--that I probably wouldn't be able to take full credits. *sighs* They made it sound almost too much for me. But look at where I am today, about to graduate in five weeks! And I went to college the majority of the time as a full-time student with 13-15 credits. But then, I was unsure about going. I only pursued college because what else was I supposed to do, and my mother expected it of me.
Now, I'm at a crossroads again, but a more ubitiquous one(?). Where I had the choice of which college to attend then, I now have to face the unknown, find whatever job I can, wherever I can within my limitations. I guess I'm panicking over this because I want to know as much as the people who ask me what I will be doing after graduation. The not knowing scares me. Concerns me a great deal.
We already know Utah is out, but I'm not entirely sure if Boise is my answer either. And if it's not, where does that leave me? I briefly thought of Pocatello again, but that brings a eehhh feeling to me when I think about it. But an idea has slowly formed in the back of me brain the past day or so. Why not find an apartment here in town and go talk with one of my former Communications professors up at the college about a job? She told Dad when they served jury duty together that as soon as I graduated I was welcome to go up to the school and talk with her about a job. I am seriously considering her offer. It won't be a permanant(sp?) thing. Just until I figure out where I wanna go. I have no desire to stay here forever.
Hey, it's a start.
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Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.
~Proverbs 4:7~
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moon phase |
