Graduation truly must be almost at hand because people are starting to talk about it quite excitedly or nostalgically. And in fact, I'm a bit excited too, because I'm finally graduating myself after three or four semesters believing I would and then being told I lacked this or that towards that end and couldn't. I'm finally graduating, people!

But at the same time I'm starting to get antsy or anxious. What am I going to do afterwards? Where will I go? What lies ahead of me? Mom and others are beginning to ask me these questions, and I feel stupid and unmotivated when I have to answer with the only response I have to offer: "I don't know."

All I know is I want a fresh start somewhere else. I want new scenery, a fresh slate with a few options to choose from. But then...there's my disability. It limits my choices considerably. =os Sometimes I feel so stifled by it. I can't do this or I can't do that. For example, you know I want to get out of Idaho eventually--I've talked about it enough. But now it looks, or at least sounds like, that's not a good choice. I've wanted and thought about moving to Utah...around American Fork or thereabouts. I have friends up or down the valley there and family close by. I'd have a "safety net" of sorts there, but as Mom says, I'd have to re-enter the human services program there and reapply for other aid that I've already got established here, plus look for a new care provider. Personally that doesn't bother me. *thinks* Perhaps it's still far enough away that bravado is giving me false security in saying that, I dunno. But it's been on my mind for a while now so...maybe I'm used to it, the idea I mean, or maybe the idea doesn't bother me. I dunno.

But Mom and those who help with my case feel it is not a wise idea. And truth to be told, they're wearing me slowly down. I'm not as adamant as I once was about definitely moving there. I still don't really want to move to Boise like Mom thinks would be a good idea. But I'm not totally resistant to the idea either, like I once was. *sigh* My whole point of this entry is I could in most probability have had the whole nation as my "oyster" so to speak were it not for my disability.

This isn't even including the job market aspect of my anxiousness. Mom doesn't think I could work more than three days a week. I want to protest, but truth be told again, I honestly don't have a clue as to how many hours I could really handle because I've never been in the work force. The closest I've come to actual work is the Bengal newspaper at ISU. That required a lot of hours and I handled it ok. Had there been no school or homework it would've been a better thing, as I could have devoted more time to it. Three days a week seems a paudry (or is it taudry?) evaluation of my work stamina, doesn't it? I mean, yes you can know a person well enough to gauge their potential, but how can you possibly put such a low limit on it without them even trying first? How can you possibly know for certain? You can't!

I know this is prob'ly an over-used example, but it shows perfectly what I've been up against off and on throughout my life: in high school we had to take a foreign language elective in order to be eligible for graduation. At first I wanted to take good ole French, cause I thought it romantic, but Mom said no, it was too hard for me, so then I decided on Spanish with Andrea. When Mom first found out she burst out, "You're what?! That's too hard for you." I didn't think so and set out to prove myself. And I did; I got an A-.

I've been praying about it recently off and on, hoping to find some peace about this. So far there has been no firm answer that I'm aware of, but then perhaps I'm not really listening to or feeling what He is trying to say. I'm sure I'll eventually get it through my thick skull what I am not hearing. I hope. I want to do what is right or travel the best road for me, and it galls me a bit to wonder if perhaps Mom and others could be right in a sense about what roads I should take after graduation. Because I want to choose my own destiny; I want to prove myself again...yet I don't want to be a ninny and make a big mistake just because I deliberately went the other way from good advice. I don't know what to do.
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Your soul to God, your body to dust, your property to relatives, because thus it had been found written.
~Maltese Proverb~

moon phase