P-O-Y this week is asking its members to take a hard look at ourselves in our mirrors. Have you ever stared in the mirror so long that you became a blur; like you didn't look like yourself anymore? Or that you saw way beyond what you look like and deeper into who you are?

This week, take a look in the mirror... Really take a long look at yourself. What do you see?

I hate looking in the mirror really; it's just another reminder--a visual reminder--of my disability. Of how "pleasingly plump" I am, instead of being thin like my sisters, like I could've been if I could be as active as they are. Of how scoliosis curves my back and affects my posture. Of my fat, small feet that are reminiscent of the Chinese noblewomen from long ago, whose parents bound their feet as children so they could not runaway from their future husbands. So I avoid looking into the mirror attached to my wall whenever possible. Yes, I know this contradicts what I believe about the inside being more important and what I have said about self-worth and loving yourself. But even I am not totally immune to outward appearances.

I may avoid looking into the mirror when I can, but I love the symbolism it inspires. A clear looking glass, a reflection upon water that shows truth, that shows lies. A mirror can reveal depths unknown when one looks hard enough, or it can reflect the shallowness of a person's soul. When I first checked this P-O-Y out yesterday my thoughts ran to the lyrics from Disney's Mulan of Reflection.

Reflection
Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Ev'ry day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

Christina Aguilera

My path to find who I am inside started around 10, 11 years ago. I am well down that road and have discovered quite a lot. I am still discovering more. *soft smile* Someone recently said of me, "I wish I were that self-assured." She was refering to another P-O-Y of mine, which in a way goes hand-in-hand with this one. This (self-assurance) is new to me and it often falters. I am getting to know the woman inside of me pretty well. There is a lot I don't know about her yet, but what I do see I'm beginning to admire and like. So...if I must look into the mirror, really look into the mirror as we were bidden, I have to be honest. I have to look deeper than the surface.

I am a sensitive soul.
I am a hopeful romantic and sometimes flirt.
I am stubborn like my mama and paternal grandma, Nan.
I have a swift temper that I sometimes do not control well.
I am compassionate.
I am a mother hen.
I am loyal and friendly.
I am willing to give second and even fourth chances.
I have an inner sunshine or strength I didn't know I possessed till Evan left me.
I am open-minded.
I have a dry or weird sense of humor.
I believe in faith and miracles.
I have my own private dark-side that I rarely let people see.
I refuse to quit; it's very rare when I do.
And to one I seem self-assured.

This is me. But like Mulan I have my own insecurities, and sometimes I feel it's better to wear a mask, to hide who I am because it feels as if I can do nothing right. And recently has been one of those times. My insecurities have reared their ugly heads and have left me in need of a good crying jag. Last night as I prayed the tears flowed, but before I'd had it all out of my system the tears dried up, leaving me so stuffed up I couldn't breathe. I still felt/feel like I could cry till I can't cry anymore. I'll probably cry again in bed tonight. I'm so ready for a feeling of peace to come into my life. I need it after the rollercoaster I've been on since late June.

*sigh* Also like Mulan, despite my insecurities' current sway, I am determined to ...somehow/...show the world/What's inside my heart/And be loved for who I am.

I have looked into the looking glass, looked deep into its clear silver depths and seen someone of potential, someone worthy of love. So world, I will show you what's inside my heart. I will be loved.

moon phase