� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
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This year many of my entries have talked about self-discovery, journeys, finding oneself and just being. Learning to love and liking oneself, if one already doesn't. I hit a plateau while Heather has been climbing a peak of sorts. Now, recently, I've descended into a valley of my own making--kinda--and have the decision to descend further into the valley or take a right and start the arduous climb up my own peak. *sighs* Ay yai yai, what a daunting thought. =os Even if I could walk, mountain climbing wouldn't be my first choice of hobby.
But if I want to feel extra good about myself, to be at peace with myself again, climb that mountain I must. I know what type of person I want to be, what type I can become if I but climb that peak. Life is a journey, or series of journeys, and this year has taken several people in my life and me on quite a ride. It's also shown me what I call the "mechanics" of life.
I keep mentioning this word, and by now you may be wondering what I'm meaning. Simply, how life works. I'm not talking about the meaning of life, but in a way I am. I guess, thinking about it, the two are interconnected to a degree. We aren't here to always be happy; life isn't supposed to always go our way. The "mechanics," then, that I'm speaking of are bittersweet. The whole of life is a learning experience; we must have bad times with the good. For the majority of this year, Heather has had a rough time of it, with this and that and her grandmother's illness. Now, in the space of four months Heather's changed her life. She's bolder, thinking of herself first and seeking happiness where she finds it. And she's found a love she's quite happy with. As a result of these changes our own bond has, unfortunately, changed. We are no longer close as were a mere three months ago. *blinks to keep tears away* I've always wanted a deep, lasting bond (non-romantic) that would stand the test of time...and any hardship that may be thrown at it. I dunno, maybe this is my idealism poking through, wanting such a friendship, but I know they're real! I just thought mine with Heather would be like that. Forever. Now, I dunno... It might do an about face again, which would be nice, but who knows?
In my family there's been ups and downs too. Mike and Jen had a rough patch and we knew sometime this year he'd be sent to Iraq. What we didn't expect was him becoming a daddy while he's half a world away. Jen is due sometime in June or July. *soft smile*
In my own life (regarding only me) things are changing too. I'm having to adjust future plans since I'm no longer moving in with Heather. I'm having to re-evaluate myself, my goals (long-term and otherwise) and my dreams. Old and new friendships are being (re)established. True, they're on the net right now, but in time some may be established in real life and there will be a time when I will get out and about and make friends in my local vicinity.
It's late and I better end it here for now. If I don't I may start crying again. And besides, it's a good lead-in for a writing prompt I found.
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moon phase |
