Yesterday I ended with myself--the changes that are occurring and that have occurred in my life over the past year to the present. I was--am--introspective and reflective. As a natural thinker and analyzer it's hard not to be, what with all the changes going on. Both Mom and Heather, for different reasons, have told me recently I dwell on or think too much about things. I stand, or sit in my case, guilty as charged. I need to let things...be, let things ride the current wherever it takes 'em. I need to roll with the punches, as it were.

And they are right, to a degree. There are some things I cannot change, things that would be better if I just sluffed them off my back and not worry so about them. Then there are the things like those small epiphanies I mentioned yesterday. I am a thinker. I've been an observer all my life and will continue to be one for the rest of it. It's in my nature to notice these thangs, to ponder them, to mull them over. And I'm writing about them here and now to clear my head, to put them in perspective, to be done with them and to move on.

Yesterday I mentioned life is bittersweet. That was one small epiphany. Another was shown in talking with Lynda yesterday and with Heather this afternoon. Both convos brought to my mind the most oft-used rhetorical question, "What if...?"

What if Lynda had never met Mike, her erstwhile fianc�? She still would or could have met me because she found me through an LDS ICQ chat list independently of him. But I would never have met him if it weren't for her association with him. And consequently, since I wouldn't have known him it's highly doubtful I would have known Heather for the last five years as I have. To add a further consequence to that, Heather wouldn't have had a soul sister in the bargain when she broke up with Mike.

What if Heather hadn't made some of her changes and had agreed with a certain requested guideline I wanted to institute? I would have possibly been moved in by now, or be moving in with her this month. I would be onto my next phase of working, I would be out and about and have more of a social life than I do now. I would have a companion, a friend and comfort in the knowledge that if I needed help in the night, someone would be in the next room. Not clear upstairs and at the front of the house.

I don't blame Heather; I don't blame anyone. It's just the way the chips fell. And, as I told Heather, and as I said yesterday I must now adjust myself, my plans for the future and my dreams to this new reality, this new unknown.

There have been times in my life when I've let the philosopher in me ponder the differences between three things and when they've come to play in my life:

• Fate
  
• Coincidence and
  
• Free agency

These past two or three days have been one of those times. Sometimes I think people speak about these things before they use their noggins. Or some at least, are gullible and say, "It was Fate!" Others are jaded or are religious fanatics and say: "It was just a coincidence."

We all know what Fate is. It's destiny. That inescapable something that is meant to happen, no matter what you do.

Coincidence is for the jaded, those who don't believe in Fate. Or those who are wise enough to know some things happen just because. Just because Sally found or received several grand as a reward for finding or returning something and then later that day passed a car lot and saw the car of her dreams does not mean she and that car were meant for each other. But then we're getting into semantics here and people's perspectives.

Free agency speaks for itself. It's choices we make. What gets me anymore though is how cavalierly people annouce it's Fate. Not coincidence or choice, but Fate. How do you know? How do you know it wasn't just a natural consequence of a decision you made? How do you it wasn't just coincidence? And ok, playing dev's ad here, how do you know it isn't Fate...if there is such a thing? How do I know things this past year haven't been Fate? Or just coincidence or natural consequences from choices made in previous years or from earlier this year?

Maybe it has been a mixture of coincidence, Fate (if there is such a thing) and free agency in choices made.

Yes, Heather, I think too much.

..:: Remembered�����E�����Occuring ::..

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