� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
�
In January Heather and her now former boyfriend broke up. Heather was serious. Sir Nobody wasn't. She naturally was hurt and wanted to distance herself from love. And she spoke the famous words I have yet to let her live down since Kirk declared his feelings for me: "I've had my round with love. It's your turn for romance!"
I laughed and rejected her statement outright. I may have been lonely, but I was in no hurry to climb back in to the roller coaster that love can take you on. The experience with Evan was still fresh in my memory and I had--and still have--no wish to repeat that roller coaster ride. But Heather jinxed me it seems. It took awhile, but romance seems to have found me. Curses!
But this time I'm not alone. The amusing, yet disconcerting part is that it's caught Heather up in its sparkly, rosy web too. She's got herself a guy she's crazy about. So you can't blame me for laughing a bit and for teasing her. Another amusing tidbit is both guys are over in the Boise area. Talk about coincidence. Then here's the kicker: we're all over 21, yet are still living or living back at home. Funny, but a sad state of affairs. One or more of us should be out on our own.
It's comforting though, not being alone. I'm not on this roller coaster or caught in this web by myself. We have each other for support. We're in this together. And that's something different from Stephen. I had no support. Nobody liked him. The Internet thing was just another strike against him.
Heaven help me.
I don't want to fall into the same situation again. But I fear I may be. The last time, with Stephen, I was so naïve and thrilled that the guy I liked was interested in me. He didn't care that I'm in a wheelchair or that I have seizures. And he talked of love and marriage! I felt wanted and I was infatuated (I now realize) with him, or perhaps I was in love with love a second time. Whatever the case, I wanted it to be real and never let it (the feeling) go.
And I'm afraid that's what this is with Kirk. Something temporary. I'm afraid I got into this too fast, that even though he feels his feelings are sincere, and they could be at this time, they were born in the heat of an ill-considered comment or at a point when we were locked in an interesting conversation. He is quite dramatic and clingy at times when declaring his emotions and he worries about losing me. We've only known each other three weeks and yet he says I'm the one he wants for a wife and the mother of his children. We've yet to meet in person! I can't help but wonder if this is just a brief flare of intense passion on his part, or if it's really real. He says so, but then again, when you're caught in the fire of passion you think or "know" it's real.
I dunno. I see differences with him this time around. I'm wiser, more jaded and he's been honest with me. That (his honesty), more than anything, is why I'm still with him, feelings aside. Perhaps I'm also afraid to get into this because I know my family's reaction. Perhaps it's because this is not how I pictured finding my mate, or perhaps I have a too-perfect image of him in my head that no one can live up to. Perhaps I'm scared of falling love. As I said, I do not want on this roller coaster.
But for now, I am. I'll let nature take its course...and lean a little.
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moon phase |
