� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
�
quiet, emotionalOnce again, I turn to Stopped Clock for inspiration. I thought this might be interesting...
"You know the seven deadly sins: pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed, and sloth. Well, these are my..."
And these are my Semi-Deadly Worst Faults or Sins--I say semi-deadly because there's always hope if I keep working on them and don't let them rule me in the end:
1) Gossip: I hate to admit it, but I've come to realize I'm a gossip about certain things and people in my life. Oh, if the matter is important enough and also a matter of trust, then I keep whatever knowledge--whether fact or possible rumor--a secret. But other than this I'm a blabbermouth, bigmouth or spiller of news, or whatever you want to call me about things and people that have no relevance for other people I know and talk to. I don't mean to, the sharing (gossip) just pops out before I think about it and I feel guilty. I probably shouldn't have said that; it's not really their need to know.
2) Stubborness: This is one I share with Stopped Clock, it seems. As she said, I too "come from a long line of stubborn people"--on both sides, so I've got a DOUBLE dose of it in my genes. It can be good in the aspects of me not being a quitter and having the ingenuity to at last come up with alternate answers to problems or puzzles that I can't fix as others who can walk would. But as a fault or semi-deadly sin, stubborness reveals a sometime immature streak I try to squelch the rest of the time. If my dander is up it doesn't matter if I'm being childish; I just don't care. It doesn't matter if I'm wrong, I refuse to admit it--until I cool down, and even then, if the other person is smug or gloating about their right status, I'll never admit I was wrong. They'll not get that satisfaction from me! Uh-huh, never.
3) Pride: Yes, one of the actual Seven Deadly Sins. This kinda goes hand-in-hand with Stubborness, I think. Sometimes I end up "cutting off my nose to spite my face" because my feelings get hurt or I get dragged into a power struggle with my family. Almost invariably, I lose the battle every time and I'm the only one who pays. Pride is a cold comfort or companion when humility and patience, though galling in those situations, would get me a heck of a lot further in the long run self-esteem and comfort-wise.
4) Lies By Omission: Most people who know me will tell you I'm an honest person. I am. I'm quite frank and candid about how I see things. I've gotten this way pretty much since I had to learn to speak up for myself at ISU. I've become more so in the last few years. But... I'm a liar by omission. What people don't know won't hurt them or me. There's stuff I do in private or convos I have with certain people that I have to circumvent around so no one--namely family and family informants--will find out about. It's never anythang dangerous, just personal.
5) Slothfulness: I debated whether or not to put this as one of mine, but I decided to. It's not one I really worry about because I don't mind a busy schedule. But when I am busy I long for open hours of nothing where I can do whatever I want. And since graduation two years ago, I've had a lot of open hours of nothing, in which I could have pursued a job more actively, been agressive in deciding to do something about exercising at home, etc. But I haven't been. Though I've looked and started both physical and occupational therapy up at the hospital again, and gotten more serious about my writing, I've been selfish and content to keep those open hours of nothing.
6) Materialism: This is another "sin" that's not a real big deal--unless you're talkin' movies, CDs or books with me. Then I want that movie, this CD or that book. NOW.
7) Flirtation Bordering On Being a Player: Two faults vied for this last slot. Impatience lost. Though if there were Eight Deadly Sins, you can be sure impatience would be my eighth. It came as a shock--unpleasant lil discovery, this--that I am a bit of a player with men. I don't mean to be, it's just...when I get into the flirting and the guy takes it a bit further than harmless, fun flirtation...and my self-esteem for the day or moment is low and I'm weak and wanting to feel desired by the man I'm talking with, I end up saying things I have no business saying and know will never come to pass. I feel guilty and wish I'd never embarked on the intimate game, because I hate being this type of tease because it's cruel. I've done better with this just simply by avoiding men online that I normally don't chat with and making a conscious effort to watch the flirting being exchanged. The man I do flirt occasionally with knows nothing will ever happen and it's all in fun, so there're no worries there. But I do still have to be careful.
*sits moments in silence* Reviewing this, in fact, reviewing yesterday's entry plus a few others I've written about myself this month, I've stripped away protective barriers and have let you all see parts of me that have been seen perhaps in glimpses throughout this journal. Other parts have been newly revealed and I feel exposed. I dunno if this is good, me being this bold and open here as I face myself. I don't even know why I've done as many "Me" entries at once as I have.
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moon phase |
