� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
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As I mentioned yesterday, Heather's life is having many changes too fast for her to deal with at once. I played Devil's advocate and was asking her hard questions about her relationship with Nobody. If he does give you a ring for Christmas, will you say yes? What if there is someone better out there for you both? And then, Don't you want eternity with him?
She tried distracting me, but it worked only for so long. I felt I was pushing her a bit, and of course, felt guilty for it, but it finally led to an enlightening conversation. She admires me and sees me as an example. Her words stunned me. My life is a rut, free, compared to hers. She is a go-getter, always doing something, and she's going to school to get her masters. Asking her why I am an example, she answered: "You're closer to the Lord and are more in tune with the Spirit, therefore you can help your friends with good advice." And listed her reasons why she thought I'm an example.
Not to demean what she sincerely meant, but as I sat here reading her words over MSN I couldn't help but shake my head and smile wryly. I don't think I'm any more spiritually in tune than she. Sure, I've begun praying nightly and have been for a while. But I don't go to church every week like I should. Heck, I'm lucky if I make it once or twice a month. I'm not proud of this; we have an early church time so it's easy to sleep in. =os I don't pay tithing and I don't read the scriptures like I also should. By no means am I close to or as in tune as I could be. In fact, if I died tonight in a freak accident, I'd have some repenting to do on the other side. I think I'd be held more accountable for my past sins at ISU than Heather would be for her sins as I've grown up in the LDS church, whereas Heather is a recent convert.
My intention tonight is not to compare or contrast Heather and myself to each other. It is to relate and share what I've recently realized. By no means are any of us perfect. Sure we can and should strive to become better, but we'll never be perfect in this life. However, in striving to become so and in denying any weaknesses we have, we sometimes lose ourselves in the elusive quest for perfection and run around like chickens with our heads cut off. We lose sight of what should be important and what we should be striving for. We need to, at these times, slow down, pause and recenter on our axis (axes?), thereby rediscovering the proper order of our priorities and rediscovering the people we want to be.
There is a man, a wonderful man in my home ward (and this is what I tried posting Thursday) who has Lou Gerrig's(sp?) disease. It has affected one side of his body, and now his one leg is numb. He has to walk with a cane, and it has begun to affect his speech. But he hasn't complained and he is not afraid of meeting the Lord. He is prepared.
I have often mentioned in here that I believe I chose my disability before coming to Earth. And I have speculated as to why. Sometime ago when visiting with our Visiting Teachers, Mom asked me if I ever feel frustrated or confined with my disability in not being able to go everywhere my family can. Because I recently was experiencing frustration with certain circumstances brought about by my disability, I automatically answered, "All the time."
Then last week trying to get comfortable in bed, I tore the bed covers from their anchorings, but my efforts only made it worse. I was looking at spending the night with my legs and stockinged feet exposed and with rumpled covers. I was definitely frustrated, but in a moment of calm on my stomach I asked myself and the Lord "why me?" Why did I choose to have a disability in my mortal existence? What was/is my/His purpose for sending me here in this way? I wasn't really trying to complain...but to figure out a burning question I had all of the sudden. What was worth--well, what do I need to do here that I voluntarily chose my current lot?
Then I remembered the conversation about my ward member, how he wasn't asking "Why me?" I felt guilty for my frustration and for being petulant. Even more so when Kami checked in on me before going to bed. She helped set my covers to rights and once again I was warm.
My whole point of this long-winded entry? None of us are perfect, and if we are to survive this crazy world, we need to sit back, breathe a lil and push the pause button. And in the eye of our storms we need to allow Him close proximity. I will leave off now.
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