� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
�
It's been nine years since high school graduation and about eight since I last saw Amy at her own reception. She hasn't changed much except for being a lil heavier. It was nice talking to her, and I think we both enjoyed it. In one of the lulls when she was able to sit down and visit she mentioned how she's impressed that I'm finishing school, that I wrote for two college newsapers.
"All I've done is get married." she said.
That statement threw me a bit for some reason. But as I thought about it as I looked at her, it was true. She'd fallen in love with Aaron during our senior, or was it junior?, year and married him months after grad. I don't think she regrets it, but there may have been a secret wish to have done something before or in addition to settling down in her tone.
I smiled at her and replied, "Thanks, but if given the chance I would've liked to have gotten married. The opportunity just hasn't presented itself."
She nodded and said something to the effect of one day I will.
It never dawned on me that she'd look at my unmarried state as having the freedom to accomplish things only people can while they're still single. In my tunneled vision I've viewed my life thus far as a stagnant phase where I am ready to move on, but my unfinished schooling prevents it right now. After talking with Amy however, I realize there may be temporary things I could be a part of if I but will reach out and look.
Last night in bed I was struck with the thought to try and live with no more regrets. Pres. Hinckley's father I guess used to say, "Pray to live with no regrets." It's a rare accomplishment to be able to look upon your life and say if you had to do it a second time around, you'd do it all the same.
Since 2002 started I've said over and over how my life needs a facelift or how I'm in a rut. And I've talked a fighting talk, but have I carried through on my words? Half-heartedly, perhaps. Well, I've said it, now it's time to put action behind them if I ever want to be at peace with myself as I once was. Institute is a start, actually finishing school would be an even bigger step in moving forward to where I wanna be. And the things I should be doing to spiritually feed my soul is another.
No regrets. That would be wonderful. A soul would really be at peace then. There may be one or two things in my childhood I'd redo, but mostly since 1998 I've done several stupid things not really thinking or was unclear about when doing them. As it is they'll affect my future. But now I know and have wished plenty of times that I could go back to that year and redo it. The outcome with Stephen would hopefully have been different. I would not have been so free with a credit card and would not have wandered into a gray area that pricks my conscience every now and then. Of course, all these new changes require a jadedness or backbone that I've developed since then.
I know it's useless to play what-ifs and to wish for the hindsight we have now then. It's pointless, it's history and like Screwtape once mentioned: the past is frozen and ceases to flow, the future is yet to be and is shrouded in darkness, but the present is illuminated in all its glory. Meaning, we mortals are touched by time in the here and now, and we need to make the best of it.
I guess in one way if I hadn't made these mistakes I would still be innocent and na�ve, hoping others would deal with the doctors and Medicaid and make appts. for me. I probably would be greater spiritually. But going down the path I have been, I've become stronger, able to take care of or take charge of things I never would've wanted to on the one hand. I like the fact I have a backbone and am willing to take charge. I think I am better person in that respect, but there are regrets about my mistakes hovering over me. On the other path I wouldn't have these particular regrets, but there might've been others. The question I have to ask myself now is, are the strength and wisdom I have now worth the regrets?
That's what I've got to decide. And once I do, the next step will be in making peace, mostly with the mistake I made in the gray area. For better or worse this has been the path I've chosen and beginning today I can strive to live with no more regrets.
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Fire is the test of gold; adeversity, of strong men.
~Lucius Annaeus Seneca~
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