As I feared, or predicted, my time, or stint, with Kirk barely lasted a month. Sometimes it amazes me how right on zee nose I can be about such things, when I wish I wasn't. *sigh* It seems almost ironic yet right that I should be talking about our final break up the day after I talked about hope. And love. The Fates have a harsh sense of humor sometimes. =os

In the end, to him I was just a big mistake, one he blamed for taking him away from the one he really should have been with. The one he now thinks is or could have been zee "One." *pauses briefly* I was the one to break it off this time and he didn't argue. Just went to show getting away from him was the right thing. I deserve better--not that I'm a great prize or anything, but I know I'm a good person with a lot to offer. I know I'm worth the effort of knowing and building a lasting relationship with. Sure, I'm not perfect and I have my flaws and foibles, just like everything else on this danged planet. But I'm worth getting to know, I'm worth fighting for and I'm worth loving! I deserve someone who will love me for me, wait for me if need be and who will fight for or work at the relationship with me. I won't be a mistake in his life. Ever!! I deserve a man.

And Kirk will never be one until he gets off his duff, quits whining and bemoaning his "sad" life and does something about it. He has the desire, his whole blasted problem is no motivation! He will not get off his duff and start making small goals to achieve the bigger ones. He thinks getting a girlfriend will make things easier to bear and will help in sorting out his life's problems. Ha! Anybody with brains and who's learned this lesson knows no relationship stands a snowman's chance in Hades when one doesn't love herself/himself and is not at peace with who she/he is. You've got to love yourself enough and be happy with yourself before anyone (romantically) can love you. And that's what Kirk is missing, what he cannot see.

Loving yourself enough is only part of what makes a relationship work. You also have to know who you are. If you don't know, then how is that special person supposed to get to know the "real" you? How is he/she supposed to love you in a committed relationship if they can't or don't know who you really are? I'm reminded of Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride. She could never make it to the altar. Sure, she got performance anxiety when in the midst of that huge crowd, but underlying that was a deeper issue. She did not know herself; she didn't know what kind of eggs she liked or what music she preferred or even what sport she liked best. Before she could successfully committ herself to anyone she had to take time for herself and find these things out.

Which, in a long-winded and roundabout way, brings us to the latest P-O-Y topic: Some people say there is one moment in their life that made them who they are today. Do you have a defining moment? Tell us about it.

Well, while this is a good topic for thinking and discussion, I have to disagree with the wording. I don't think there is one defining moment in anyone's life that makes them who they are. Sure, there may be an event that is a turning point in their lives, but when all is said and done, in my opinion it is the growing pains and major lessons in life that define and make them who they are. No one experience is responsible; it is a conglomeration of them.

I've had many defining moments in my life; without one or more of them I would have been a slightly or drastically different person. There was my diagnosis of C.P. at six or seven months. There was my patriarchal blessing at 21. There was the moment I first had a strong testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. There was the realization of sunshine and of a survivor strength in my soul after Evan walked out on me for the last time. And today I'm realizing or remembering that being myself is the only way to go. While I was with Kirk I pushed aside my somewhat religious self so he would be able to see I'm not an uppity, pious, closed-minded person. In the end, it really didn't matter. Kirk was only interested in what he wanted, and when it didn't look like it would happen when he wanted it to, he gave it up as hopeless. If I had been true to myself as I started out to be in this relationship it wouldn't have progressed as far as it had and it wouldn't have kept yo-yoing. I wouldn't have let it. I would have stuck to my guns of self-worth and ended it when he said even though he loved and desired me, he still desires other women. It was a moment of remembering a valuable lesson and one in reaffirmation of never again putting aside a part of me.

Maggie: No, no don't hide your face. This happens once in a lifetime and it's definitely a first for me and you're not gonna want to miss it so pay close attention. I love you Homer Eisenhower Graham, will you marry me?

Ike: I got to think about this a little bit.

Maggie: Ok, good, I was hoping you would say that.

Ike: You were NOT!

Maggie: I was, 'cause if you said yes right away, I wouldn't be able to do this next part and I was practicing. Let me just...

[She moves a chair out of the way and gets on one knee, presenting her running shoe.]

...Look, I guarantee that we'll have tough times. And I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us will want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart, you're the only one for me.
~from Runaway Bride~

moon phase