� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
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Now, where to start and where to wrap up? I really thought it was over with Kirk Saturday. I thought he'd walked away because of my disability and seizures. Instead, he went to a few bars and clubs and got drunk. So while I was stone-cold sober and dealing with what I thought to be a devastating reality--that no man would want me because of my C.P. and seizures--he was drunk and getting drunker and feeling happier and better with each drink. Sunday he IMed me and admitted he was confused; a lot of things are contributing to make his life chaos right now, and he doesn't know where to start or how to deal with them all at once.
Which is perfectly understandable. Heather talked to him and realized Kirk is like her in so many ways. He's impatient and wanted a relationship NOW. That's why he was so gung ho about getting together. He's been so alone and lonely and wants a special someone in his life to hold and who will hold him. Which is what Heather wanted with Nobody. And then there's the impatience. They're both impatient and want(ed) committment NOW! And, of course, there's self-discovery going on. Heather started on her path last year, and it's very obvious Kirk is going through his.
I knew this earlier from talking to him, and I totally sympathize and empathize. Self-discovery is a marvelous thing and ultimately can make you a better person. However, the process while exciting, can be most confusing and painful. Mine started at Ricks and proceeded through my years at ISU and onto this present day. I think our whole lives are a self-discovery, it's just at some point when we reach adulthood we embark on a journey, a deeper, more introspective and longer lasting journey. We go through valleys and reach peaks and then plateau for awhile before we take off again over a hill or through a dale to get to the next valley or peak.
So...the question of Kirk and me. While I thought it was over, he still thought we were hanging by a thread together. I was wrong about it being about my C.P. and seizures. It was about his confusion and not knowing what he wanted or who. I was willing and in fact, tried to let him go so he could find someone a lot closer and who wants to be intimate right away. (His libido has quite a lot of control over his life.) But he did not want to end it. He wanted to keep me and wanted me to keep him. And once again, Heather helped and stablized the...semi-relationship he and I have. So I guess for the moment, he and I are "together" still. But I gotta say, I'm about through. I've been put through zee ringer, as I told Heather. One more yo-yo or if he lets his raging libido lead him to be unfaithful, just because he wants relief, I'm out. For now though, he needs someone and I'm it. If I made it through Heather's maturing I'm sure I can make it through Kirk's--if his libido or impatience doesn't kill this first.
But he is right about one thing: meeting will put an end to the uncertainty. As Heather says, it will sizzle or fizzle.
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