� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
�
There are four types of dreams:
I have my own dreams, just like anybody else. But for some reason I've closeted them away. I dunno why. They are my hope dreams and I would love to see them to reality, but...they seem unreal to me, like a fairy tale I read about in books or hear about happening to someone on Oprah. I know I make them sound farfetched talking like that, but they really aren't. One is to see the United Kingdom, especially Scotland or Ireland, before I get too old for that type of traveling with my disability. Another is to be a housewife and mother, to love in that special way and to be loved. The third dream I have is to be a published writer. Not very hard or too complicated of dreams are they? *soft smile* Not when compared to some.
So why, then, have I closeted them away and not thought of them very much? They're perfectly nice dreams. Heather mentioned once upon a time I never talk about my dreams. She and I were best friends and she didn't know what my dreams were/are. It was an eye-opener. I never think about them until an advertisement for a trip to Ireland airs on tv or a friend gets married or has a baby or I think about restarting research for a novel I want to write.
I'm a dreamer, yet I--I'm passive about it. Passionate...yet passive. And I never realized it till now. I lack ambition, mostly due to fear. Fear of leaving my comfort zone, fear of failing at my dreams. For all of my life Mom has been there, has taken care of everything, has automatically arranged anything that needed to be done. Even when I grew older and tried to take care of appointments, such as therapy, Mom beat me to the punch or went over my head. She's so used to doing these type of things for me it's automatic for her.
Thinking about this, I've developed a theory. I don't know if it's right or wrong or what, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me at the moment. I think these dreams of mine have felt far away because, like my ISU graduation that seemed so close though at the end of a very long tunnel, they seemed to be far into the future for when I grew up. All my life as a kid I never had to plan. As I said, Mom took care of everything. And at college I had a care provider (Sam) who took over automatically where Mom left off. Oh sure, I started learning to speak up, to plan my schedule and what not, but still Sam was there to take care of zee majority. My mind knew/knows I'm grown up, but I think my heart is a late bloomer. *wry smile* Just like me. I've done most everything behind everyone else. As a child I knew instinctively my cousin Charity and my then best friend, Bethy, would marry before me. I was half right. Charity married and has just given birth to her fourth child in September. Beth on the other hand, moved in with her boyfriend and has given birth to two wonderful lil girls. I was 12 when I started on the Crimson Curse; most of my friends had already developed and had their first experience with zee Curse. By 15 or 16 they'd gotten their Patriarchal Blessings. I was 21 when I got mine.
My point in this theory is, while I'm mentally mature, knowing I'm grown up, my heart has needed to know the same thing. And these past few months, in between dealing with the shock of Heather's new choices and coming to grips with them, I've been reminded of my dreams and realizing the time to start on them is not far off anymore. The time to start planning and taking hold of where my life will go is now. November is almost over. December is just around zee corner and will zip on by faster than we can say, "Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!" Then we will be greeting a new year and it will be time for me to get active again about searching for a place. This time, by myself. I will get out in my lil corner of the world, and with a lil goal setting, luck and the Lord's help I don't see why those dreams can't be fulfilled or reached. Can you?
True, some dreams may have to wait longer than others, but that's ok. I'd rather have them at the right place and time than have them screwed up because of bad time. I may be an impatient soul, but when it comes to my dreams, I would wait all I had to (while working for them, of course) until the time is right and they become a reality. Just like Frances in Under the Tuscan Sun. Her life fell apart after her divorce, but what started her living again is her purchase of an Italian villa. She renovated it, devoloping dreams of filling it with family, having a wedding there and living a full life there with family and friends. In the end her dreams came true, not in the way she expected, but her life was rich and full and she'd found happiness. She also found what she most wanted: a new, everlasting love. It's a great movie. I relate to her greatly because I see so much of what she felt and went through in myself. I know it's only a movie, but it gives me hope and comfort.
I love writing. And I love reading. Off and on, mentally going through zee few poems and writing clips I've done, I've wondered once I have enough for a book if I could get published. I don't think it'll make the Bestseller's List, but...if a publisher liked my material...? It'd be a start, yes? And I would be published. Mayhap I could include exerpts from my journal--like my essays for P-O-Y. Perhaps make it an autobiography of sorts, through the poems, essays and the writing clips. They say "write what you know." Basically, I've done that. Most everything I've written is based on what's happened in my life, like the wind poem I wrote when we had that awful wind storm a year or so ago. And An Unseen Visitor, a clipping I wrote when I was, or thought I was, experiencing...visits from unseen presences. I also wrote a poem about the year we (Mom, Mike and I) lived with Grandma and Grandma H. after the divorce. It would be a unique way to do an autobiography at any rate.
I am grown up and my heart is beginning to realize that. *soft smile* It's catching up with my mind. Just like me, ever the late bloomer. But...now my dreams will have a chance. They will be brought to light and be worked upon.
|
moon phase |
