� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
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I like how she's happy, more confident and assertive after a mostly bummer year, but it has been hard to see these "worldly" changes, as I'm strongly LDS. I'm more open-minded than some, but my beliefs and standards are still LDS. So, if you're familiar with my religion you can see why it's taking me awhile getting used to her new lifestyle. But I love her. I may not be in total agreement with her choices now, yet I accept her as she is.
These changes were putting us at odds, something I hated. We've been of differing opinions before and have had minor quarrels, but nothing this major. It wasn't as big as I'm making it sound, but for us, anything beyond a small quarrel is a rarity and therefore, something big. I acted all the while as if nothing had changed the certainty of me moving in, but secretly I began to question if I should. So for two weeks I vacilliated(sp?) back and forth between moving in or not moving in. And finally on Monday--which was not a good day--I blurted out to Heather that I didn't know if moving in was a good idea anymore. Her changes had come hard and fast, one after another, and for someone who doesn't do well with sudden and unexpected change I was at a loss. On top of trying to adjust to the person who now is my friend, I was expected to make the most compromise. (If that makes sense.) And that irritated me as it seemed I was expected to just blythely say "Hey, no problem. It's all great." I felt, though now I know, erroneously that our friendship hinged on me having that attitude.
It doesn't. I can accept Heather as she is now without completely agreeing with her choices. That was never a question. The question dealt with me moving in or not, based on me being able to be comfortable with her new wordliness (for lack of a better description) as a constant environment. I'm no Molly Mormon, but neither am I a Jack. I just didn't know if I could do it. Move in, that is. Since our heart-to-heart on Monday though, I've been thinking. And I realized today how much I want Heather's friendship forever. I realized how important she is to me. Oh I love her lots and have told her so the past few days, but it was like I woke up.
Perhaps everything that has happened this year and especially these past few months have happened for a reason. Perhaps they needed to happen for something better to come along sometime in the future. I don't know. But I do know that all the sudden Heather's friendship became the single most important thing to me and I was willing to do what it took to keep it. I even convinced myself I could live in the environment of her new lifestyle. Heather is important to me, and I want her happiness. And if this is what makes her happy...these changes...then what kind of friend would I be if I didn't show her acceptance and love?
At the same time Heather's been thinking about this too. And she wants my friendship and happiness. And deep down, I have to admit, we both knew our closeness and friendship would suffer if I moved in now. I wouldn't be as comfortable as I should be in my own place--even with sharing it with a roommate. I would be hiding it to keep the peace, but eventually it would be a strain on the relationship. So it was decided by all involved that I won't be moving in next month. Maybe if things change a bit or settle in a few months time it'll work out then. But not now. Both Heather and I want our friendship more than sharing an apartment. As I reminded her, sometimes we have to go back to go forward. Maybe we have to go back now in our plans to room together to go forward another way.
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moon phase |
