(originally written on 05-06-2004)
This dream is about two or three days late. It would have been one or two, but my computer keeps freezing thanks to a dying processor, so yesterday was a no-go for a double update.

This was one dream I was lucky to remember for longer than five minutes after waking. For some reason I haven't been able to remember most of 'em recently as I said yesterday. That in itself is puzzling and slightly disturbing when several years ago I remembered nearly every dream I had.

This recent dream troubled me a bit when I woke because of the way it ended. Dreams are so funny because they can feel so surreal or so real. In some dreams I'm detached from them and if they're nightmares I can control them. But then I get so pulled in and caught in the emotions that the feelings or tones of some of the dreams I have linger for a time after I wake. This was one dream that was like that.

I was with my family, that was my first impression, and I was either once again in my late teens or my early 20s. I don't know where we were--perhaps on vacation. This one family friend though was visiting and she insisted I meet her nephew Scott. She thought we'd get along great. We did. We got to liking each other a lot and became a couple. *frowns* Only thing is my parents didn't approve as things heated up between Scott and myself. They somehow developed the notion that he was a bad apple, so to speak, that he was headed for trouble and they didn't want me hangin' around him. I remember the two of us running off by ourselves so we could be together. But then I got sick and he took me to the hospital. I don't know what was wrong me, but it was serious enough that I had an I.V. hooked up to me and I had to spend a few days in the hospital. My family caught up with us there. Scott, of course, felt uncomfortable with them there, and for some reason he suddenly had it in mind that he was going to make something of himself and come back. What doesn't make sense in this dream is before the hospital I was walking, but when I was chasing him through the halls, the lobby and out the entrance into the parking lot I was in my wheelchair. I stopped in the middle of the unloading zone calling to him. He turned and started motioning sideways with his hands and arms for me to get back on the sidewalk. Unknowingly I had stopped in the path of a parked Semi that was now ready to move on. It was night. I moved back, but I would not go in. Resigned, he came back to me to explain his plan, to try to make see his point-of-view. He stooped to my level so we were eye to eye and went through his reasoning again. "I'll be back," he kept saying. But I kept shaking my head and held on to his red sweatshirt--he was also wearing khaki pants and white tennis shoes--to keep from going. I had this fear, and I felt deep down inside that if he left I wouldn't see him again. Time and absence has a way of distancing people, and I was sure he would move on from me or I would from him if he was gone long.

And that's how it ended. Dreamstop says: "As in waking life, dreaming of or seeing a relative or spouse in your dream is an important symbol. Dreaming about family members is very common. One theory about this is that everyone is searching for a 'normal' family life and your dreams explore and sometimes reject your ideas of what 'normal' is. Many people have reoccuring dreams about certain family members, this may be necessary for your subconcious to continue working on balancing what you wish your place in the family structure to be and what it really is. If you see a family that is not yours in your dream, what is different about them?

Let's see. If you're simply refering to time in your dream as 'most of the time' or 'one at a time', you don't need to read on. If time is of the essence and you are rushed or late this could be a warning not to be caught late for an important appointment. In other words, this is probably a fear dream pointing at the fact that you have a real life appointment that you have a fear of blowing...the dream is only mirroring your fear."

Um, life is funny. During private moments I daydream of meeting and falling in love with "Justin," my soulmate. The "One and only." But when it comes to it, I know I can't marry anyone my family can't accept. I would be heartbroken and my unhappiness would affect my marriage.

And I guess I've been feeling the pinch of turning 30 and still being single subconsciously. I never wanted to be 30 and single, but here I am with 30 around next year's corner. I guess this dream is a cry out or manifestation of my fear of time running out. Or of a fear of never finding that love and a wanting to grasp or hold on to whatever love from a guy I can.

We all want to love and be loved, to have that special kind that is outside familial bonds. It's part of our nature, that desire, that need for affirmation in knowing and feeling we are desired, that we are cherished and wanted. Some of us are fearful of never finding it and are desperate in our search for it. And others of us aren't worried and aren't really looking right now. We know in time it will find us; we just have to be patient and keep busy with life.

I'm now 30 and still single, but it doesn't upset me that my hopes and wishes of being Mrs. (Somebody) by this time came to naught. I may still day dream of meeting the guy I'll give my heart to unequivocally one day, but I've quit worrying, I've quit looking and I've quit speculating anytime I meet someone new. I've no worries it'll happen; it's just a matter of patience, a matter of when and where--whether on this plane of existence or the next.

I guess I quit and let go of my worries regarding this because experience has taught me it's useless agonizing and making yourself miserable over what is and what will happen in its own time. It became painfully obvious after so many times that while some men don't mind a wheelchair and disability and think I'm refreshing and neat, when it comes to romance and looks they look elsewhere to someone who's prettier and who can walk. Other men, well...they take one look and run in the opposite direction.

Then there's my family. They always say, now that most of us kids are grown up, "When Kami (or when Jon) gets married..." Or they try setting those two up with certain dates. But me on the hand? When it comes to talking marriage, my name isn't even in the same sentence, and no one in my family has tried hooking me up. The picture is made quite clear. I'll be the old maid of the family, the spinster aunt.

And it is their unknowing attitude or mindset that irks me, not the fact I may end up single in this lifetime. I've made peace with that possible reality, and I've resigned myself to their belief. But I am comforted with the sure knowledge it'll happen someday. I know this without a doubt in my mind and in my heart.

moon phase