� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
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In reality I was on the tail end of my prayer, and the emotions were welling up within and getting close to the release point. I was praying for those close to me, for Kami who needs to grow up and find a purpose in life and get her priorities in order. For Heather, whose family is going through some tough trials right now and who is a bit lost in the gospel, not believing in faith anymore. Yet it is faith--along with hope--that gets us through these tough times. I don't see how you can live without faith!
I prayed for Abe. His brother has said praying for Abe won't help; what he needs is to be hit on the head with a two-by-four. Maybe so. Knowing Abe, that is likely true, but I don't have the right words to act as a verbal two-by-four and the geographical distance is against me as well for me to apply an actual one to his noggin were I inclined to do so. I've even prayed in the past to have the wisdom, the patience and understanding that dealing with him needs. I've also asked if I should keep on trying to be a friend. But every time I've prayed I've gotten the feeling I should let it lie. To let him live how he would, whether it be with me in his online life or not. And so far it's not. I've not contacted him once, except to say "hi" one night and he never responded.
So I'm leaving him be. His brother also said, the more space you give Abe, the more he'll take. And the last week and a half has proved that true. But what am I to do? When I did try at conversation, after the niceties were done he fell silent and I tried a few attempts to get it going again. I was unsuccessful. I don't know what happened to turn him off, or what I did. I'll never know, but I do know I'm not the one, the one special enough to make a difference in his life. The one to get past his defenses. (And I'm not talking romantically.) I don't even know anymore if he'll allow that special someone (whomever that person is) to get past his barriers now. He's the type who's stubborn enough to remain firmly entrenched in his beliefs formed by experiences, misguided though those beliefs may be sometimes. And through those experiences and beliefs he's shut himself off even more from deeper associations other than family. As I've said before, he's perfected the lone wolf persona to a 'T.' Now, I only pray for his happiness and his righteous desires to be fulfilled. Corny sounding, I know, but there isn't much else I can do regarding Abe, except pray for acceptance of his decision.
I also prayed for myself. I did the usual "Help me to be content with Thee and myself, to have more patience..." Then I ended with "Let me find someone as good and kind as Noah. Someone as strong in the gospel as he is." It was at this point feelings of loneliness and emptiness overwhelmed me and I may have let out a soft sniffle or sound of distress that alerted Noah. He came over to the bed after inquiring from the doorway if I was ok. And that's when the dam broke. All the lil--and not-so-lil--things that have added up in the last month came pouring forth in a rush of emotion. All the heartache of facing mortality in the form of cancer, the hurting for Heather, the hurt I shouldn't be feeling at Abe's dismissal but am and trying to accept it, the loneliness and emptiness, of course, and a longing for that special someone to love me. They all came in a tidal wave and crashed down. Noah listened for a while and tried comforting, but the tears and sobs just kept coming. Eventually he left and turned out any light that was left on downstairs. I guess he figured the darkness would quiet me or I would cry myself out. I dunno. I dunno if the cry did much good because I still feel like a cry needs to get out.
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moon phase |
