� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
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I have been debating, especially since Tuesday on renewing a friendship with Stephen. I know everyone in my family would think I'm crazy and Sandy would tell me to get my head examined. Talking to him again reminds me of how much fun he can be when he charms ya--and he can be charming. On one hand since I've been able to forgive him the past, it's great having a person in real time who knows me as I am--wheelchair and all--and doesn't care. It feels good to start fresh because I gather from talking to him he has grown up, he is at peace with himself and is more confident. And if he isn't totally happy he's working on it. I think, also, that he's learned as I have that love and marriage will come in time. But for now, enjoy being single. He sounds like someone who could be successful. Yet even if I choose to stick with this new friendship, I'm not so blind and trusting as not to be cautious.
On the other hand, is it better to say let's just be acquaintances and go on with life? I want to be friends; I think we could be good friends, provided that we both aren't trying to relive the good times of the past. But...I don't like feeling of keeping it secret. But I know if I tell it will warrant a lecture and a "get-your-brain-examined" speech. So it's secret.
Life is crazy, ya know? All day today this situation has been my mind. And church just seemed to provide hints to my questions. In sacrament I was thumbing through the notes I keep in church and I came across two sentences that just...boing! stood out and seemed to say, "We are your answer." Do not place judgement. But use good sense. I could take it two ways. Should I continue in renewing the friendship, I should be cautious and use good sense so I'm not setting either one of us up. Or I should use good sense by saying no and walking away. Sometimes I decide yes, keep it! Sometimes I feel it might be better not to. Though I'm happy exchanging emails... See how confused I am? For now I decided to see how the friendship goes and I'm not seeking support in this from people in real time around me, cause last time nobody gave it anyway. But seeing those lines and hearing the hymn "Be Still, My Soul" today brought temporary peace.
Kjerstina showed up online on MSN! We had a great talk. It was like...I dunno...but acceptance was there and sisterly love. She started talking of a girl we briefly knew who was engaged to "Captain Moroni" from the LDS chat we used to hang out in. She also asked about him. It was quite funny to me and reminded me of how small this world is. "Captain Moroni" is a bud of Stephen's who--as I said--was engaged to this girl Amanda whom Kjerstie and I knew at ISU. I just get a kick out of things like this. It makes me want to hum or sing "It's A Small World After All." LOL But then, you'd cringe as I sing off key. So I won't do that.
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moon phase |
