*exhales on a long breath* Ay yai yai. Ever feel old yet...something more? Right now I'm sitting in a morass of jumbled emotions. Part of it's due to the Crimson Curse, actually a large part of it is. Part of it is Mom and Dad needed to go be with Kami and I'm left with Jon and Aubree. They've been helping me today, with varying degrees of cheerfulness--or attitude. (You can guess which one had which.) Anyways it would've been easier if I had a professional care provider or if I could just walk on my own. I just feel...useless. I feel old. I feel like I should be self-sufficient, but I'm not. And I can't help that; I can only do so much, but I won't ever be fully independent in this lifetime. Heck, if I could walk my whole life would be different. I would be different.

In fact, it would be like living in a parallel universe, only I wouldn't know any different. My family would be the same people--Mom, Dad, Mike, Kami, Jon and Aubree, etc. I'm sure. Though I doubt I would know many of the same people that I do today. And so many questions rise up. Would I have gone to ISU still or USU, like I really wanted to in the first place? How many jobs would I have had by now, and who would I be working for now? Would I have been married by now? Would I have had kids, and if so, how many?

I know this speculation does not serve me and could drive me nuts if I let it. But I often wonder--sometimes--how my life would be if I could walk. I mean, it's only natural for a person in my situation to do so, when the very real reality of his/her physical limitations weighs down upon him/her. And I guess that's what it's a-doin' to me now. Weighing me down.

Sometimes I let this wonderin' get carried away, thinking that if I could walk my life would be tons easier. But that's when I forget one thing: my life would be easier, aye, in that I'd be totally self-sufficient, but I'd have a whole new set of problems and trials. My life wouldn't be hunky dory as I dream it would. And going further, knowing myself as I do, I'm almost positive a wilder self would be living in this alternate universe. And I'm not quite sure this would be a good thing. Mom and Dad had/have their hands full enough with Kami and Aubree in this universe. So perhaps this disability of mine is a blessing...?

*sigh* Some people say we choose our lots before we leave Heaven, and for whatever reason, I believe I chose mine. Though why I chose this one I don't know. Perhaps it was to help me stay close to my church; perhaps it wasn't just for me. People say also that we'll never know all the lives we've touched or changed. How true; I can never begin to guess at all the lives I've touched.

I may have chosen this lot, but knowing or suspecting that doesn't make it any easier when my disability temporarily presses in on me with depressing reality.
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There are two ways of spreading light--to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
~Edith Wharton~

..:: Remembered�����E�����Occuring ::..

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