� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
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I have yet to finish it, and I'm sorry it's taking so long (for anyone who's interested--if you're interested). But I will finish it; I will. I had hoped to have them back to back, but other topics are just begging to be released in a timely fashion and I feel a desperate need, almost, to write here. The feeling or thought I've been supressing for the past two days is perhaps very melodramatic, but nonetheless, I've had it: "If I don't write [meaning update], I'll explode!"
I don't know what's been with me this past weekend. Perhaps I need a change. I am not depressed, I know that. I've been depressed before when Stephen first threw me over for a Heather there in California--deeply depressed in fact, enough that it lasted several months, almost as long as the nine-month relationship itself. Then I've seen my sis-in-law and a friend struggle with clinical depression.
I've just developed this sudden attitude of "I don't care," and it's gotten more aggressive with each day. (Perhaps that's interfering with my muse's ability to get in touch with me... Who knows?) You might discount me and disagree on it's not being depression, but I can tell a difference. For the most part I feel good about life and things around me could indeed be worse. *knock on wood* But I'm just tired.
I guess it all started with Dad going into lecture mode. Friday my two latest Xanth books came and he started in on how if I didn't have money for gas--for the van--why then was I ordering stuff online? Um, Mom had mentioned getting gas 'cause we were on fumes as it was, but then she never took me anywhere and the van was never driven. Mention of gas was not brought up again...until nearly three weeks later. I had been saving and budgeting my money for gas, but the van was never used in that time. So, when I was having a down day I splurged--if you can call $9.50 splurging--and bought books 2 and 3 of the series. Just two flipping books!
It was a few days to a week after my shopping spree that Mom again mentioned gas. It was without remorse or guilt that I looked her in the eyes and said, "I can't pay for gas. I have no money."
I know my retelling there sounds callous(sp?), but really it's not when you see my logic. 1) It was nearing the end of the month; I get my money on the first of each and 2) the van wasn't in use and Mom had no plans to take me out anywhere. As long as I am still in the black and watchful over what I spend, why worry about me ordering things online?
The second and third lectures came Saturday night. Actually, the one just naturally led into the last. Jon, Kami and I have terrible sleeping habits. (And sometimes the quality of my sleep isn't all that great either.) Of course, the first lecture of the night was about us sleeping in and being late for church. Yeah I know, not the greatest habit in the world. If we'd just get to bed early or on time, we'd be awake and up at an appropriate hour, according to Dad. True.
And that lecture led to this constant reminder--one I have to say is never far from my mind and one I'm heartily sick of--I'm on other people's schedules. *lets the acid seep into her tone* Yes! I know I am! I have to do things when it's convenient for them to help me with whatever it is I cannot do. I'm reminded of this every time I need help and I have to wait for someone to come along or wait until they are free to help me. Yes, I know I won't always have a care provider who will let me stay up till 10 or 11 every night, because she will most likely have a family of her own to take care of as well. When I lived in Poky Sandy, my ex-care provider who was/is single, started having me prepare for bed at nine! And here I was, 23, 24-years-old!
I never forget I'm dependent on other people. It's a fact of my everyday life, unpleasant as it is. But I'm sick of having it being pushed in my face. I know, ok? And I will go on knowing this painful fact for the rest of my life...unless I develop Alzheimer's Disease.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it all. It's like a broken record. "You need to start getting up earlier."
"You need to start budgeting your money and/or get a job."
"You're on other people's schedules. You can't always expect to do things on your own time."
Duh.
No, I'm not depressed. I'm just tired. And that tiredness is rapidly shifting into an apathetic, yet aggressive mood. Strange combination I know, but there you have it. It hasn't taken much today for my fuse to ignite. And tomorrow's not looking any better.
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moon phase |
