� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
�
oneryThere's nothing to fear but fear itself.
"And you fear what you don't know."
What am I afraid of? Oh, several things:
What do I fear that's causing this doubt? The notion I'm not good enough, that I'll fail, that I can't or won't be able to hold my own with others in the professional field and the world in general. I'm second-guessing myself in my writing and worrying over what the future will bring as far as a job. I'm also afraid that the job I do get will be a token job because of the fact I am disabled. I don't want charity, thank you.
The self-doubt in my writing, I guess, has come from a recent difficulty in finding just the right words I want to use. In being able to have a continuous flow (in writing) so a piece is finished in one afternoon or day. Because if I need or have to finish it the next day or over subsequent days, I feel like I lose the rhythm or continuity of the essay. And sometimes it's been hard to get back into the "feel" of a piece with breaks like that. (Case in point: I've been working on a piece involving Pandora and her box of evils for several days now. I've made it to a certain point and now...nothing. *shrugs and brings her hands up helplessly* Nothing. I can't make a good transition between what has already been said to what I need or want to say next. The right words elude me. Stubborn things anyway.)
Another reason I doubt myself as a writer is I don't know anymore--in light of this new problem--if I have the patience or enough skill to write a novel, which has been a dream of mine since I was kid. I don't know where I fit (nichewise) in the writing field. I'm not really a poet, I'm not sure I understand the dynamics of a short story or those of a novella, my efforts at writing children's stories sucked, and most of my essays--that weren't graded by a teacher or a professor--seem mostly written for myself...as they should be...getting only the occasional feedback on the odd essay here and there. I'm not sure anymore if I'm accomplishing the goal I set for myself this past spring or summer: that of honing and improving my writing skills. And it's discouraging to think I may not be improving.
The self-doubt in my ability and lack of self-confidence in the work force stems from the unknown and knowing how I am and can be in certain environments. As evidenced by entries in this journal, it's obvious I'm often an emotional and sometimes overly sensitive individual. I'm not very good at hiding my emotions. And while I've gotten a lot better with controling my temper once the flame has been ignited and fanned, I still need to work on banking it till I can privately let my temper flare up before burning itself out or I can extinguish it myself.
Another concern I have is what obstacles and attitudes I'll be facing when I get into the work force. Growing up, I've been really lucky in having the majority of the people I've met and come in contact with treating me much as they would people who walk. However, when it's been the other kind of people who'd rather have nothing to do with me, or who are ignorant or uncomfortable around me, it was discouraging and painful. But then, nobody likes the feeling of dejection.
I know I'll face both kinds of people--at work and throughout the rest of my life. It's one of the constants that comes with being physically challenged. I know I'll have to handle those who erroneously believe in the disabled stereotype as maturely and as gracefully as I can. I know I'll have to prove myself to them, show them I'm an intelligent, capable person who, while needing help with several things, isn't impaired mentally. I want to be known and seen as an equal and as a professional. But I'll have to earn that image or reputation, and sometimes, just knowing these obstacles and potential attitudes are headed my way, I just want to turn and hide, become invisible. The battle of proving myself over and over again seems too much, and at times like this I feel like I don't have the energy to fight another round in the continual battle of proving myself.
*sigh* Even though I was sardonic in the beginning about how to overcome my fears, the opening quotes are very true and give good advice. Only, how do I become one with or overcome these fears caused by self-doubt? The answer is easy regarding work. Go through the job hunting process with the representative from Independence Network, whose job is to help the disabled find work that makes use of the skills they have. Do my best in the interview, and upon landing a job, do my utmost best there. Be positive, be as professional as I can and be reliant. And hope for the best.
My writing, on the other hand, I'm not so sure about. I know I'm good...but have I improved? I dunno. How do I defeat the self-doubt in this area?
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moon phase |
