� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
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better, low keyThis is a milestone for me, four years, 16 versions and a 1000 entries later, I'm still with this journal and with Diaryland. (Although, as Blackdawne25 I was with Diaryland a year before this, so really, it's been five years.) *corner of mouth quirks upward*
As many past entries have shown in the last two years, my voyage of self-awareness and discovery, as a person and most recently as a writer, has begun again. My ship, the USS Imagineer, has left safe harbor charting an unknown course, sometimes sailing into rough seas. But as always, the sea calms, her roiling, towering waves gentling after the tempest. The sky clears and returns to a beautiful azure blue, and the sun resumes shining brightly and warmly down on my storm-tested, venturing bark. The voyage during this time has been insightful, a wonderful series of learning experiences in different ports. Not all ports, however, have been easy or pleasant to visit. But then, whoever said life would be smooth sailing and that all ports would be a dream like Port Royal? Or the French Riviera?
Nobody. And if they did, they were living in a fantasy world.
I wanted my coat-of-arms to reflect the current me and--well, my core self, to be exact--what I've learned about myself and become. I've changed since I came home five years ago from ISU, a burned out, mentally, spiritually and emotionally tired soul needing solace and sanctuary. (We won't get into the whys and wherefores of that today.) The changing was slow and infrequent at first as the life lessons took their time in coming. And sometimes, like with Evan, it took awhile for me to see the positive in a situation, to see the lesson. But once I did I was grateful for and glad I had had the experience. Because of Evan and his perennial walking out on me and reappearing acts until his final walk out, I learned I was stronger as a person than I thought I was. If I could survive idiocy on my part and rejection like that because I'm in a wheelchair, then surely I'm no shrinking violet that other hardships would do me in.
The changing and learning increased over time, sometimes coming to a stop for awhile in one port or another. But really, as I've said, it's been in the last two years or year and a half that my voyage has started sailing full-speed ahead. Or rather, my ship has morphed into a submarine and dived to new unforeseen depths. I have learned I am even stronger than I was when I realized my strength thanks to Evan. I've realized I'm an innate optimist, with an inner sunshine that can't be hidden for long. I have realized I can't let other people's problems become my own. I can't take the emotional strain or stress I allow them to create on my day. And I have learned I have to be true to myself and my principles. I'm not happy otherwise.
In creating my crest I tried incorporating as many facets of myself as I could. (Of course, this goes without saying.) The banners are purple because it's one of my favorite colors. It's the color of royalty, magic, mystery, inspiration and imagination. *smiles, well-pleased* An apt choice and purely coincidental beyond my knowledge of its royal favor. (I looked up the meanings after all was said and done.) In my religion we believe everyone is a spirit child of God, a prince or princess with a divine heritage. Therefore, *smiles again* I can be considered a...princess. (Not to mention the fact I have French and Celtic royal blood flowing through my veins!) I love magic and mystery and wish for inspiration in my writing most everyday. And I am constantly using my imagination, sometimes scaring myself silly at night with things that loom out in the dark and pounce.
The credo was the second hardest thing to come up with. I wanted something personal, obviously, to me and that sounded cool, like the MacGregors' 'S Rioghal mo Dhream. "My Race Is Royal." And Mom's family's motto: Gloria En Excelsis Deo. "Glory To God In the Highest." Or something like that. Valja would know. But any phrase I tried coming up with just didn't...cut it. I couldn't think of any phrase that screamed ME!!! So, remembering that sometimes keeping things simple is best, I decided on the three word approach. Short and sweet. I just needed to find the right three words to represent what I want to say to the world.
Pacis. Patria. Pietas. Latin for "Peace. Patriotism. Compassion." Peace was easy enough to choose. *laughs* After all, it's what my name means--in two cultures. And I want peace--in my life, in my family, out in the world and among my friends. I'd say more on this, but it'd lead to a whole other train of thought better saved for another entry. With that said, patriotism could also be a subtopic of that same entry. I think that, with more research, that it's going to be an entry where I get down and personal, and not a whole lot of people are going to agree with what's said.
I've always been patriotic and proud to be American. Even so, I haven't always been proud of certain historical points in our country's past. Namely slavery and the mistreatment of the Native American tribes. I chose Patriotism as the second word because, with Michael being over in Iraq, I'm reminded again of what our country stands for, or believes in; why it was formed in the first place: Freedom. Freedom of Speech; Freedom of Religion; Freedom to live and dream however we wish, etc., etc., etc. At first I'd chosen Licentia, or Liberty, as my word, but Patriotism encompasses this and...more. It includes loyalty and faithfulness, honor and pride. All of which I am or hope I am.
Compassion. *soft chuckle* I am a marshmallow at heart. I have a soft spot for most animals, underdogs, lil children and heartwarming moments. I'm also an emotional creature. I chose compassion because I want to be remembered and seen as a compassionate person. Kindness does so much in this world and doesn't cost a thing. It brings happiness, gratitude, peace and so much more. And what's more, it can turn into an epidemic for good. One person's act of kindness, or compassion, can inspire or influence another to do an act of good for someone else and so on. As long as there is compassion in this world, then we have hope against the evils of this world.
The shield is gold, of course, because I prefer it to silver. Out of curiosity I looked up its meaning as well. Gold means "wealth, prosperity and wisdom."
The four symbols I chose--all except one--were pretty easy to decide on. They've either been symbols used in connection to me all my life or just recently as my self-discovery has started again. Going from left to right, top to bottom, there's the griffin, the celestial bodies of heaven, a scroll and pen and a buffalo.
The griffin was the hard one. But on settling on it, I liked its dual symbolism. It's both a creature of air and terra firma. It represents intelligence and strength. While my body is confined to land by my disability, my mind, my imagination, is free to soar high above with the eagles. I'm fairly intelligent, I believe, and have been given an ingenuity to help me deal with my personal circumstances. Along with this--as discussed above--I've been given a strength, a tenacity that prevents me from giving up.
I love astronomy. I love looking at the moon, the stars; and the sun is my personal totem. Has been since I was lil. I was a happy baby and child, I guess, so my Southern grandparents dubbed me their "Smiley Girl" and "Sunshine Baby." I can't stay gloomy long, never have been able to.
The scroll and pen are pretty obvious. Writing is and has been my first passion. There's a release and joy in the very act itself, a liberation in creating a piece or world all your own. You are your own master or mistress and anything goes.
The buffalo I put because it's my spirit animal, if I follow the Native American vision quest tradition. Youths, on some quests, strike out on their own for a few days, fasting and turning inward, preparing themselves spiritually to receive guidance from or to meet their spirit guardian. Once they believe they have accomplished this, they return to their families and tribes. How the buffalo came to be mine is slightly different from this, but no less an interesting series of experiences. For a time I just kept seeing the image of the buffalo everywhere. It (or its huge prehistoric ancestor) was the mascot for the museum on ISU's campus. I saw the buffalo on stamps, as an iron silhoutte on some sign and I belatedly noticed images of the buffalo on the t-shirt Sam, my ex-care provider, bought me and in the picture I bought of a Native American brave in Jackson Hole. At the time the frequency of these sightings or realizations seemed too fast to be coincidences, so I accepted the buffalo as my spirit animal.
It's been quite the voyage; quite the discovery in the past year and a half to two years. And it isn't over yet.
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