� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
�
As much as I want to be loved and desired and experience love making, I just can't do it. Not if my heart's not involved. There will be only one guy for me and I will have to love him completely, entrusting my heart to him, before I'll ever give him my virginity. This is probably sappy and old-fashioned, but I see virginity as a gift you bestow upon or give the person you love. It's a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and giving yourself to someone should be special. *blushes as she realizes the sappiness of it*
Share with us a time or two when you didn't say what you wanted to say... What did you really want to say? What do you think kept you from doing so and how did the situation make you feel?
This is this week's P-O-Y and immediately it brought to mind the last time Evan showed up in my life, only to disappear for good.
I hesitate to talk about him again because it feels like I'm rehashing. What's done is done and in the past. He's most definitely moved on, as I have. But every once in long while, I must admit, I do wish I had followed through on my urge to email him one last time when he disappeared.
For those who don't know here's a vvvveeerrryyy brief recap. He and I had been email pals who met through the personals on Hotmail. We had a lot in common it seemed, and there was a magic or spark growing between us. Until I felt honorbound with being honest about my disability. After that he kept disappearing on me to reappear sometime later with lame excuses about why he felt he had to disappear. Needless to say, this put me on an unwelcome rollercoaster of emotions. He did this about 12 times before he confessed it was my disability that unnerved him. He'd never been around a person with a disability before. Thing is, I let him do it to me twice more after his confession! Yes, I was stupid, but I was trying to turn the other cheek, hoping that if I showed him true friendship he'd realize how truly special I was and want to make our friendship work.
I was wrong.
He only stuck around for four days that last time, then up and left during the middle of our conversation. Evan never looked back. I guess in the back of my mind I knew he'd flee again and that part of me was resigned to it. My feelings for him were near death and I was only entering this new attempt half-heartedly. Yet, to be perfectly honest, another, larger part of me was in denial. I was secretly hoping against hope--but not with much conviction--that this time would be different. It wasn't. Only difference is he never came back.
Sometimes I wonder if he thinks about me now and then and regrets what he did. Then I wish I had emailed him, telling him goodbye and what I thought and was feeling. But, of course, I didn't. I was afraid he wouldn't read it and just delete it when he saw my name.
I wasn't even mad when he *poofed!* out of the conversation. Irritated, yes. Mad, no. But, oh how I burned inside, wanting to send an email! I wanted to be the one who said the final goodbye. Having that last goodbye, it's silly I know, would have been like taking control of the situation and saying, "Hey! You can't treat me like this! This time I'm the one who's going to be saying goodbye."
Yes, I would have told him goodbye, but I would also have added that I'm sorry he couldn't have been more open-minded and brave in regards to my wheelchair and disability. Because in lacking the courage to overcome his fear of facing something different, he lost a worthwhile friendship that could have continued and been a great comfort to either or both of us. Instead he let fear control the relationship and kill the spark or magic that was there. I wish him well, but I hope there's one day that will come in his life where running away isn't an option. He will be forced to deal with whatever is new or fearsome to him.
I have never felt that same spark or magic since with another guy.
While this unfulfilled act is a sometime irritant and regret, it has taught me to be upfront with the people closest to me. I have found lately, especially with Heather, that if I'm blunt and totally honest with her on my opinion of certain things the more secure or at peace I am with our friendship. Yes, I'm scared I'll offend her, but on the basis of our friendship I feel I owe it to her to be totally upfront. And I haven't gone wrong yet.
|
moon phase |
