I shoulda stayed in bed and barred my door today. That's right, it's my turn to play Eeyore. As I told Heather this afternoon, I can be the ray of sunshine only so long for people and then it's my turn to be Eeyore. I was there for Heather during her last, brief relationship with Sir Nobody and I was/am here for her after their break up. I try to be here for all my friends and I'm trying to be here for my Secret Valentine.

Yes, I know I sound pitiful, because I feel pitiful. My head hurts, probably because of the tension in my neck and my eyes hurt because of the crying I've been doing.

Even at the mention or remembrance of crying, the tears well up and trace wet tracks down my cheeks. I'm pitiful...emotional...today.

Why am I crying? Why am I pitiful? Let me tell you, being physically disabled is not for the weak. It's not for those who cannot stand any form of adversity or challenge. You have to be one with a strong will and the ingenuity to adapt to almost any situation. You have to be one who never gives up. And you have to be one who accepts what you cannot change. Because it's not easy to have such limitations that put you in a wheelchair, dependent upon other people to do the stuff you could've done had you not been confined to a wheelchair.

As you may have guessed from bits and pieces of my writing I live at home again, right now, my state income supplementing the income Mom gets from being my care provider and helping to pay the bills. This morning, however, Mom just about could not lift me onto the toilet. She was getting ticked with how helpless she was feeling at not being able to move me further onto the seat. And with how she had me situated I could not get leverage to push up and back. Her back was hurting so bad I was at the point of deciding to either hold it for two hours until Dad came home for lunch or just having her just put me back in my chair--which is tons easier for her. In fact, that's what I told her to do, but she kept at until she got me on good enough.

I just felt helpless. I was inept. Today was just one more example of just how limited and dependent I am on other people. And one more example that maybe it's time I need to find my own apartment--one that'll allow pets like Egypt--and move on with my life...such as it is. It's just not easy. I feel useless, helpless. Sure, the chair doesn't make me who I am, or define me, it's just...a part of me. A part of me I don't like right now. *sighs*

..:: Remembered�����E�����Occuring ::..

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