� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
�
But you know, I realized late last night that while it's all so overwhelming right now, not once did I wish I didn't have C.P. Not once. My wish--if you look back to yesterday's entry--was to have the knowledge I know now, and yet be five-years-old again, to have the straight young body I once had. To have another chance to have the therapy I need to help develop the strength, the range of motion and mobility I could have had now in my life.
How strange to be overcome by my disability, yet not wish it away. I guess, Emma, this strengthens and backs up my answer to your questions. Yes, having a physical disability is hard and can be overwhelming, but nothing I can't deal with. Last night, as Mom tried to get me to talk to her about why I had tears trailing wet tracks down my cheeks, she told me, "Shiloh, if you don't toughen up honey, the world will chew you up and spit you out."
My instant thought was, I'm a survivor. I just wish I were five-years-old again. I am a survivor. I know deep in my heart I'll survive whatever comes my way. I'm not one to give up easily. If I hit a stumbling block, I retreat and approach the challenge a different way and if that doesn't work I try again till I have success. If I can't make it without help then I have the comfort of knowing I gave it my all.
Do I pity myself? Sometimes, yes, of course! Have I ever wished I could walk and be like most everyone else? Of course! I wouldn't be human if I didn't. But that wish has been made less and less as I've matured and since a Sunday School teacher of mine helped me see it's not a permanent condition. I won't have C.P. in my next life. My body will be physically perfect. In the meantime it's my task here on Earth, or one of them, to do all I can for myself, to work--just like anybody else--at having the best body I can within my mortal limitations. To be a valuable and productive citizen of this world.
No, I seldom wish to be free of C.P. anymore. It's a fact of my life, and when it's not overwhelming me, I deal with it quite well. I've noticed too, though, since talking with Emma and forming a friendship with her that my view of or outlook on C.P. has changed and become more...positive? More...open, accepting? Before I knew Emma I didn't know much about C.P. beyond what it is and that it varies in degrees from mild to severe. I didn't much care to know more, except for the fact that I have it. But since knowing Emma and having a virtual reminder in her that I'm not alone, that another is going through similar experiences...I'm wanting to talk about C.P., to interact more actively with other physically challenged people and to find out more about what type of C.P. I have. Basically, to take more of an interest in what has defined my life and to help others who have friends, relatives or children with C.P. or who are wheelchair-bound because of some other reason. To help them if they are disabled and wheelchair-bound too. I want to be a positive and cheerful influence. An example.
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