The last few days, aside from this weekend, have been tough. Whether my monthly curse affected them largely or not, I dunno. But I was in a funk. Perhaps I still am, to a smaller degree. But I remembered something this past Friday. I'm a good person, and for the most part I like myself personality-wise. Yes, there's stuff I need to work on, who doesn't have stuff? I may not be totally happy with myself like I once was. But I'm getting to that point again. I'm wiser, and I'm hoping, more mature. And I'm coming to know what I want in life...how I want it to be. I'm realizing to achieve it I need to work for it. I've had the foundations laid for me by my parents and I had a pretty good structure going up, so to speak.

But then I was hurt by a guy (my first and only boyfriend) and my world spun off its axis. I spiraled down into confusion and depression. I didn't know what to believe anymore. It didn't help that I heard stories about and saw couples bending the rules my church has set for certain morality issues and then getting off lightly or being severely punished. The handling or punishments of the similar but different cases seemed disproportionate or reversed in my opinion and they only served to increase my disillusionment and confusion. My walls came tumbling down, yellow stone by yellow stone.

I became a hermit, or recluse nearly, in my depression. I didn't want to go out and about, I skipped church a lot. I even skipped classes. I just retreated into the unhappy morass that was now my world. I did not pray, I did not read the scriptures. I just sat in front of this here computer and...did...whatever I did. There was no sunshine in my life.

Finally, I decided I had to do something. I was so miserable, I was making other people miserable. And I was so tired of having seizures any ole time. I wanted the goodness, the wholesomeness and the joy I'd felt when I was at Ricks back. And I didn't know how to get it back. All I could think of was perhaps if I moved back home I could begin to heal, so to speak and perhaps be spiritually recharged, for I was drained. I could no longer bouy myself up.

I moved home in 2000. And it's just the last couple to few months that I'm gaining it back. I may not be satisfied completely with myself, but I'm beginning to have warm fuzzies about myself more and more. And my spiritual resevoir is slowly being refilled while I've rebuilt my foundation and am working on my "temple" walls, so to speak. But in order to erect them and make them strong, I need to do more than just pray. I need to go back paying tithing, I need to read and ponder and reacquaint myself with the scriptures. I need to reaffirm and renew my temple covenants. It's not going to be easy or a ride through the park, but if I want that happiness it needs to be done. And for a short time in my funk, I forgot I am happy with whom I'm becoming. I was focused on the problems of those around me.

..:: Remembered�����E�����Occuring ::..

---

Recently Recorded...
06-17-2006 E Good Bye
06-07-2006 E A Real-Life American Princess
06-06-2006 E I Have VICTORY--With a Lil Help
06-03-2006 E The Ballot-Marking Device: Making History
06-01-2006 E Thursday Thirteen: 13 Things I Am Or Have Been Obsessed Or Fascinated With

moon phase