� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
�
Since I was a kid I've wanted many things (still do), but there have been only a few things I've really desired with my whole heart. Yes, finding someone special to love who'll love me back is one. Another one, just as important to me as the first, is a forever friend. Someone whose friendship will last through the years, across the distances and into the eternities. Someone who will stay through the thick and the thin, who will stay in spite of the arguements we'll undoubtedly get in to and who'll see past the flaws I have and still enjoy the show. I'd seen and had friendships drift into nothing and end as life happens. I knew this was just a part a life. People move, we grow up and find jobs or go off to college after high school. People change and grow apart.
Knowing this, though, hasn't made this fact of life any easier for me to accept. I've read about and seen such lasting friendships as the one I've desired with my whole being in books and movies. Though they're fiction and have a broad basis of fantasy to them, I know in my heart of hearts such friendships exist! No matter that you're separated by time or geography or death, you and that special friend will always have a bond that transcends any and all obstacles. Yes, I'm well aware I'm talking looney and am exhibiting my dreamer tendencies. But that doesn't deny the perfectly plausible possibility of such a bond. *winks* (Ha! Try saying those three Ps fast seven times and see if your tongue doesn't twist!)
*sobers with a bittersweet smile* I've discovered some time ago the more I want something, the more I must have it, to the point of desperation in some cases if I must wait a long time. I've wanted this type of friendship for so long, ever since I was a child and believed it was possible. Which is one reason why--two months nearly after the end of my friendship with Heather--I'm still having a hard time accepting in this case my desire will go unfulfilled. Oh, I've conciously accepted it's not going to happen, but, subconsciously I'm struggling with this truth.
Heather's friendship was different than any I've ever had. The closest to hers has been Andrea's. The bond was like sisters, yet on a much deeper level. I believed with all my heart it was strong and would last forever, getting only stronger with time and deeper. But I was wrong; Heather and Time showed me this.
Some time ago Emma forwarded something to me that perfectly sums up the lesson I'm grappling with still half a year later after I first rediscovered it. Whoever wrote this piece couldn't have better described the whys and wherefores of our relationships with those who come in and go from our lives.
"When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
"When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
"LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway) and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant."
I love what this says, even though the lesson is having a hard time penetrating the thick wall my subconscious has erected around this fierce desire of mine. It's true, every paragraph of it, and I know I can have a forever friendship with someone. I think...one reason why I'm tenaciously holding onto this idear or desire so much is because of the depth and level of friendship I once had with Heather. I'm afraid, I think, of it being one of those once-in-a-lifetime deals. And...it's over now. Each close friendship we have is special and unique in its own way, but ours was ultra special. I don't know how else to explain it any better than that, but there you have it. I guess because I fear I may not have another similar to it in depth and strength (or so I thought), my desire wants me to hold on a bit longer, or try to at least.
I want to let go and move on. She has, I'm sure. And I know if it won't be with her, it can be be with someone else. Like the author said, life or God has a way of sending the right people to us when we need them. An old childhood friend has returned to the neighborhood and we're trying to find time to pick up the friendship where it forked onto separate paths when she and her family moved to Tennessee. I dunno if she's back for a season or a lifetime or eternity, but I am grateful to have her friendship again. I'm excited to see what unfolds with her.
Already I've seen the flipside of this lesson in a phone conversation with her. You never know just how much of an influence you are or what kind of imprint you leave with others until...you're granted the occasional knowledge of your soul's lasting impressions.
In 1998 Christina was in a terrible accident, which left her in a wheelchair until this year. "Because I helped lift you, helped you with your exercises and things, I knew if you could get through all you go through I could do this too," she told me. "You were cheerful and laughed and we'd write stories and play and watch movies. It was awesome. You don't know how many times I thought of you..."
I was humbled and glad I helped her in any way she drew comfort from. Back then, when we were kids, I sure as heck wasn't thinkin' or worried about what impression I'd be makin' in the long run. Now...I do think about it and hope when my life is over I made as good and endearing an imprint as I left with Christina.
|
moon phase |
