� 2001-2006 by Shiloh
�
I think...I'm coming out of my funk slowly. I haven't been really apathetic as more...introspective. Things around here have cropped up and my friendship with Heather has been...morphing...evolving. Acidcrawl is now a fixture in her life, one I'll have to adjust to. He's nice enough, and he might be able to get used to my disability, so that's good. However, I think sharing Heather's time is going to be an adjustment for us both. He didn't seem too thrilled that I wanted to hang with them this weekend. He complained they'd only had two dates thus far. Well, buster, she's your girlfriend! It's not like you won't have many more dates with her, and it's not as if I'm gonna be the schnooklebb(sp?) (chaperone) that puts a chasity belt on the young virgin and sits between the two lovers. *sigh*
I digress. This is about me, not them. Heather's stronger mentally and her self-assurance is asserting itself. For the first time last week I let go. I let myself be the weak one. Plus we will be roomies, so our relationship is changing that way. Heather is having her own adjustments to this idea. We've always spent our time together for hours on end when she's squeezed fun time into her busy schedule. Now, it won't be like that she thinks, when we're roomies. To a degree it won't be. Instead of seeing me occasionally and cramming as many hours of fun into one afternoon or evening as we can, she'll see me every evening. And I certainly hope we'll take time to play without others around every once in awhile. But of course, we'll need space and it's not good to be joined at the hip. It's an adjustment for all involved.
Watching life around me and watching Heather change has started me thinking, turning inward on myself. Who do I want to be? What do I really want? What am I doing to be that person? And this soul sister thing between Heather and me...it's a tangible thang, living, breathing. I know it sounds silly, but it's there! And lately, it seems bigger than life. And it's scaring me. It's this force outside my control binding me as a twin soul to another person. Not that I don't like it, for it's comforting to know I am not alone. But the magnitude is what is frightening. I've never had such a bond. I've always been alone, except for Heavenly Father, (but that's a different bond altogether.)
I've been acting and feeling like Heather had nigh on two months ago. She jokes about me following in her footsteps, saying in about two months I'll have a guy of my own. Yeah, right. Like any guy's gonna want to date and keep me around for good. Yeah, I know with this attitude no guy will. But lately my track record with guys has not been what you could call...stellar. If you could see my love life right now, all you would see is me standing in a crater the size of a baseball diamond and about 4 1/2 feet deep. So...yeah...I'm not too confident in the guy/romance dept. right now.
One weird thought that came to me in my tired state two nights ago was, I'm the chameleon. Most of her life, Heather has been one, or a mirror, reflecting what other people wanted her or believed her to be. And I've caught her turning into one when around certain people. It's not an easy habit to break, so I remind her to stop it when I see the chameleon coming out. But it is ironic, and I guess just, that the chameleon is in me too. Perhaps it always has been. I've just not recognized it or have denied it or for some time I was content to be myself. But I cannot deny it anymore. I'm a chameleon in my own way. I try to fit in sometimes with a group by being like them. My most recent example was Sat. Acidcrawl is not Mormon so it's no big deal if he swears or not. Heather even swore once or twice, only saying "Hell" or "helluva." And well, I'm not so pure in my own right. I swear on occasion, mostly when I'm upset or furious. But this time I swore just to fit in, to hit home to Acid I'm not Molly Mormon. I know I'm not, but at the same time I felt like a fraud after swearing, calling someone from a website forum a jackass. True, it's an animal, just like Hell is a place, but it's the context that mattered here.
So I've sat here, thinking. Thinking about the person I am, about the person I want to be, and thinking about this soul sister thing. The Prince and Me is a story about love yes, but it is also a story about being true to yourself. Paige wants to be a doctor so she can help make a difference. She wants to travel to countries where doctors and good medicine are in short supply in small villages. But then she meets the prince and her plans go awry. She has to find a balance between her dreams and the love of her life. The queen tells her she has to make sacrifices, that Paige Morgan no longer exists. So Paige struggles, trying to please, but in the end she knows she can't be happy if she gives up her dream to be a doctor.
I have to be true to myself. I can't let the chameleon dictate my actions, or let the soul sister bond affect my fate or decisions. Whatever happens I am the mistress of my own fate, the captain of my ship. *bites lower lip* For some reason the song Return To Innocence came to mind this afternoon and strangely enough, it fits. I can't get my innocence back, nor do I want to. But I think the innocence Enigma is talking of is a fresh start, or just returning to who you are and beginning again. I dunno, read zee lyrics and you decide.
Return To Innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Love--Devotion
Feeling--Emotion
Love--Devotion
Feeling--Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way
Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence
If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Enigma
I need to look into my own heart again. I've already been weak. I've already cried. I've already laughed. I need not to hide. I need to find my own way.
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moon phase |
